……As humans, we are meaning making machines! We can’t help it. It’s the nature of how our brains work, how we engage with Life itself. While sometimes this can be fun, and even quite helpful, other times the meaning we make up is incredibly false, and can derail us pretty far, if we don’t find out soon enough. Don’t let your imagination steer you too far down the wrong road!
……We hear it all the time, “The truth will set you free.” Sometimes we hear the second line too, “But first it might upset you.” Our highest good, the path of least resistance, the best next step are often inaccessible when we are working with false information. Too often we think we know what someone else is thinking and/or why they are doing what they are doing. The truth is, we’re far less capable of reading other people’s minds than we tend to think we are. Sometimes it’s no big deal and other times it can cause a great deal of unnecessary pain, stress or anxiety.
……Here’s a helpful tool to use during those times of uncertainty when you find yourself courageous enough to be vulnerable and ask the clarifying questions.
……Anytime you have the awareness that you don’t actually know what someone is thinking, yet you are operating from an assumption, simply tell them. You might be asking, “How? How do I just tell my boss that I am convinced they hated my last project?”
……Transparency! Transparency! Transparency! It might sound something like this: “[Insert boss’ name], I’m making up the story that you hated that project I turned into you last Thursday.” Then, trust what they say back.
……It will most likely go one of two ways. The challenging way may be that you were correct. Your boss could share that in fact they were not pleased with your project. Believe it or not, that is actually really helpful information! Now you know the truth, you can schedule a time to connect with them and learn how you can do better. Another potential outcome is that you were completely wrong. Your boss may reply with something more along the lines of, “No! Thank you for telling me that. I think you did a great job on that project. I’m sorry I didn’t communicate that better.”
……Either way, your best course of action remains a mystery until you are courageous enough to ask for the truth. Once you have that clarity, your next steps become very clear and you are able to expend your energy in a productive direction.
……The office isn’t the only place this tool is helpful. I have had a great deal of success with my spouse, friends and family. Sometimes if our spouse or housemate is in a bad mood we can internalize that their lack of joy is somehow our fault. A transparent and direct share can help a great deal. On more than one occasion I have come to my spouse and said, “I’m making up a story that you are upset at me.” Eight out of 10 times, I was completely wrong.
……This approach created an opportunity for him to share with me what was holding his joy, either something he was struggling with internally, or something as simple as being tired or hungry. The other two out of ten times, that sparked a conversation that helped us clear the air and learn how to better care for one another.
……I have used this with friends as well. One example is, “I’m making up a story that you are annoyed or disappointed in me.” Even with family members: “Mom, I’m making up a story that you would rather we not come over tomorrow night.” You get the idea.
……Even when it turns out I’m right and there is something unharmonious at play, I have always been incredibly grateful that I knew the truth and the conversation was started. More often than not, I’m dead wrong and the relief that I have received when I was courageous enough to ask, has made all the difference!
……Are there any stories that you might be making up? Do you feel safe enough in any of your relationships, to communicate that? If you don’t feel safe enough to ask then you may want to share that with a therapist, or your HR department. If you do have strong healthy relationships where you feel comfortable, give this a try. Go for it! See what happens. Hopefully, you get some truth and can exhale a little deeper.
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